Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
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clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
So true for me
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say