When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
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A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
All is fair in drunk and war.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.