When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
peak technology
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk