When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
You Might Also Like
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.