When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
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The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I’m ready to try another planet.
good morning
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
#winning
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.