When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
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*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.