When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
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When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.