When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
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My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
no
I’m confused about plants
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
They got a point!
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
okay run it by me one more time
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.