“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
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I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Talk about a bad egg
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
zone out
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know