“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
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I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
i will not be silenced
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
WTF
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.