“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
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ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.