When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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Your secret is safeish with me
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
That took me a moment.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
imagine getting destroyed like this
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
When you accidentally speak your mind in the company meeting
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make