When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
My dad teaching me to drive
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]