When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??