When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Basketball
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.