When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Spell check is for lasers.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right