Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.