Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.