Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

Stonehinge

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.