When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
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My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Left at a local drug store…
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.