When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
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I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Stop sending me this shit.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream