Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.