When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
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exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills