When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
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I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
