Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.