When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
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Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
japanese corn
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it