When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
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“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.