When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
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Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
😂 amazing answer
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that