Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.