Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

work smarter, not harder

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.