Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.