Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

#Caturday

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting