Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

is losing your mind a hobby?

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this