When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
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unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I would like even faster food.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
#damn
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
oh my god
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.