When life hands you women, make women laid.
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Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Saturday
never compromise your values
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.