When life hands you women, make women laid.
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[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
quarantine day 3
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna