When life hands you women, make women laid.
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Print is alive and well!!!
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.