When life hands you women, make women laid.
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My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
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Me: Same.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster