When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
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Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.