When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
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Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.