When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
![]()
You Might Also Like
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human