Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.