Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

somewhere, in an alternate universe

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Match dot com, but for socks.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.