When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
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Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
scared to check what name she chose
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
weaknesses
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right