When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
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My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
This meeting could have been a cake
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.