When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
You Might Also Like
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”