When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
You Might Also Like
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My favorite type of men is ramen.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that