When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
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respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
i hope my email finds you on fire
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.