Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.