When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
You Might Also Like
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
