When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
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[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?