Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

tag yourself

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

😂

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

Don’t forget to tip your server

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀