when mom throws a party…
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We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash