when mom throws a party…
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Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.