when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I know karate and tons of other words.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”