when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
You Might Also Like
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you