Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

water it, i dare you

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!

Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair