When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
You Might Also Like
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
wait a minute….
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.