Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why