Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

3% human
97% stress

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

what could possibly go wrong?

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic