When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
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*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I wish I were this cool 😂
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.