When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
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I need to sieze this.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.