When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
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Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
lol
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Me: time to be better with my finances
Them: you could stop buying things
Me: not like that
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?