Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

So inspired right now.

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”