Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

🤣

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

why isn’t thunder called soundning

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows: