When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
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kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee