When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!