When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.
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my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”