When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
You Might Also Like
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
🐕🍷
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem