Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

それは草

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.