Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me