When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
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Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.