When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
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[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
nobody’s gonna understand
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?