When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
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Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
My new favorite headline
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close