When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
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i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I support this random dude and all his protests
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.