Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?