When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

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Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.


Apparently if you eat really quick your Fitbit thinks youโ€™re running.

The more you know.


CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what


Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack:
Sad ๐Ÿ˜
Happy ๐Ÿ˜
Scared ๐Ÿ˜
Excited ๐Ÿ˜
Surprised ๐Ÿ˜
Giving birth ;|


Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful


Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both


Once when my son was little he told me that I saved him from the zombies in his nightmare by hitting them over the head with bags of groceries and saying “how rude!” when they tried to bite people.


hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke