When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
You Might Also Like
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Reporter: *ports again*
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.