@ericsshadow

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

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@Nrvous1

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

@McClaneJohn2

Apparently if you eat really quick your Fitbit thinks youโ€™re running.

The more you know.

@clichedout

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

@robfee

Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack:
Sad ๐Ÿ˜
Happy ๐Ÿ˜
Scared ๐Ÿ˜
Excited ๐Ÿ˜
Surprised ๐Ÿ˜
Giving birth ;|

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

@AbleLikes

Once when my son was little he told me that I saved him from the zombies in his nightmare by hitting them over the head with bags of groceries and saying “how rude!” when they tried to bite people.

@lisaxy424

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke