Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
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Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Apparently if you eat really quick your Fitbit thinks you’re running.
The more you know.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack:
Giving birth ;|
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Once when my son was little he told me that I saved him from the zombies in his nightmare by hitting them over the head with bags of groceries and saying “how rude!” when they tried to bite people.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke