Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

#TopTip

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them