Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

all that yoga finally paid off

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

Rare photo of two submarines racing

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.