when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
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* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Called it
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any