when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
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I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent