When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
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Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
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A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase