When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no