Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!