When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
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Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*