Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

smartest karate player in the world

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

Feel. He’s so soft.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games